Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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