I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
