i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
