I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
