my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
