yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
