Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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