i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
