So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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