Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
