walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize