im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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