I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
