i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
How naked do you want me to be?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
