I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
