Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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