the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
