I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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