It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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