there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
