Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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