loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
