She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
