I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize