So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
