just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
