dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
