i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
