she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Randomize
