Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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