Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
