new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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