I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
