So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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