Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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