I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
