Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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