Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
