Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
