the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
