hotel room ftw
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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