Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
