sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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