I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
