Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
