and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
