Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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