I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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