I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
