I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
