so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize