I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
