we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if only i could text you this smell
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
