My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
