I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
