he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
