Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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