Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
