Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
