I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I need a beard to bite.
Randomize
