My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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