I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up under a house in Key West
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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