I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
